"I love you - What's your credit score?"

Hello dear readers. You come here often? What - you've heard that line before? It's been a while since we hooked up and I just wanted to let you know, like any drunken frat boy after Spring Break, I'm back in your life for another go-round.

Maybe I've been consumed at work and the thought of coming home to a warm flickering laptop is about as delightful as getting your legs waxed after a brutal sunburn. Needless to say, despite my lack of energy and my willingness to just "roll over" on you, I've missed you and our one-sided anecdotal relationship. I want to fix what we had and look forward to a relationship that revolves around me, where you will listen to my tales of shock and horror, either commiserating or judging based solely on the depiction of these accounts....

Or maybe it's that I have finally unearthed myself from the pile of wedding invitations which have flooded, are flooding, and continue to flood, my humble abode.


Let's just pretend it was the latter. First and foremost: CONGRATULATIONS to my nearest and dearest who are recently engaged or will be celebrating their wedding day in the near future. Second: If you fall in the aforementioned group, please discontinue reading...

For those of you slick and sneaky bastards who are avoiding a trip to the altar like some of us avoid carbs, continue to perpetuate your justification for bucking the system and read on...

I have spent years, the better part of the last decade to be exact, observing and analyzing what "works" for some marriages and what will cause your spouse to chase you out of the house in the wee hours of the morning wielding a nine-iron and smash in your luxury SVU's windows...I'm just sayin'. Over the course of the observations, I have compiled what (I believe to be) a generally accepted list of things you should know about your spouse prior to saying "I Do".

1.) Know what your potential spouse looks and acts like when they are sick. Undoubtedly, they will be whining, snot-nosed, and wrapped in a Snuggie. (or maybe that's just the few of us who are willing to admit it...) Needless to say, (at this particular time) he/she is not the hottie you originally chased after. Remind yourself that underneath the germy exterior is the warm body you adore.

2.) Know that he/she can use the basics: shovel, hammer, screwdriver (the version without orange juice), and drill. BOTH sexes should at least have a general knowledge of the capacity and use of these tools. (For those of you who are advanced, I would even add caulk-gun, but let's not get crazy.) It would be nice to know that your significant other can help you hang picture frames, dig in the yard, or make simple repairs prior to tackling the larger (more stressful) projects, like addressing a flooding basement.

3.) Know that he/she has a basic grasp on food preparation. Your significant other does not have to be a master chef (although props to you if he/she is - SCORE!), but should be able to help in the kitchen at meal time beyond pre-heating your oven (insert Marvin Gaye lyrics here). No such luck? Take a cooking class together - what's better than cooking together under the close supervision of a local chef?...eating the fabulous meal you prepared, drinking the wonderfully paired vino, and running home to burn it off in ways that make hormonal teenagers blush. Salut!

4.) Know your significant other's most important possession. What is the one material thing that means the world to him/her? This speaks volumes about his/her priorities both personally and professionally.

5.) Thanks to the recession, we're all a bit more money-conscious. What's worse than wasting money?..having a spouse that does it for you. Know your better half's level of fiscal responsibility (and be willing to disclose your own). All's fair in love and war and shared credit reports...

6.) Know your partner's relationship with his/her own family. All families have some degree of crazy - you don't have to understand how they operate - you just need to know on which level it does. Besides, wouldn't it be nice to assess your potential lifemate's connection with parents and siblings prior to you joining the group willingly? :)

That concludes today's lesson entitled "I told you so". A scuba-diver does not dive without scuba gear and you should not take the plunge without this checklist...

So here's to my newly "en-fianced" and my "brides/grooms - to be" - may your love and passion last for lifetimes (and feel free to post this list on your fridge for a refresher). ;)

XoXoXo,

Blushing Bridesmaid